Every teenager knows the question: “Were you a Disney kid or a Nickelodeon kid?” In a way, it defines your personality. Me? I am neither. I was a Hallmark movie kid. Still am too, especially during Christmastime. 

I grew up devouring Hallmark movies at all hours of the night, often as my grandmother devoured a 3am hotdog. The two of us were somehow entranced by Danica McKellar. I don’t even like hotdogs, but I started eating them too. It became a ritual and I love it. 

So without further ado – and to borrow from the Hallmark classic, The 12 Dates of Christmas (2011), here are 12 ways I wish life was more like a Hallmark Holiday Movie.

1. Somebody is ALWAYS baking, and it’s usually gingerbread. These Hallmark people are like a bunch of Martha Stewarts– minus the jail time.

2. Love is always in the air, even if the two people have the chemistry of wet throw rugs. Let’s just say, in the winter, Ohio warms up. And hey, if super-boring people can find love, so can I!

3. There’s always a big surprise that had zero influence on the outcome. The back-home pop star from In Merry Measure (2022) is being called to NYC to sign a record deal! Will ambition derail her small-town promises? Of course not! She gets EVERYTHING without looking selfish.

4. There’s at least one gorgeous Christmas tree in every single room someone enters. I’d love to have a little fake Christmas tree up year-round. In the middle of June, I need that yuletide fix.

5. No one is mean. Not even the villain. They’re just mildly disagreeable, like cucumbers.

6. Nobody ever gets cold, even with fake snow falling. They could be dressed in shorts and a bikini top and they’d be fine. However, 74 degrees in Florida, and I have goosebumps all along my arms.

7. A wise old person always shows up out of nowhere. Grandma Sue in The 12 Dates of Christmas (2011) knew what was up. My grandma just yells at me to not eat all the hot dogs!

8. Seriously, it’s always snowing, and it’s lovely. Now, living in Florida makes me sad.

9. Characters are always so mesmerized by each other’s dumb comments. I want somebody to remember when I said something minor and then make a big deal about it. Whenever I mention something incredibly unimportant, I hope somebody will write it down and plan an entire birthday gift around it.

10. Somebody from the past always comes back, like your high school singing group rival or your fifth-grade first love. The things I would do to have someone from my past come back and stir some trouble just because they figured out they were madly in love with me (this is an indirect manifestation).

11. Everybody believes that Santa is real. In the first grade, a classmate told me Santa wasn’t real, and my innocence rocketed out of the window. That classmate was my own personal Ebenezer Scrooge. 

12. Hallmark movies are the cheesiest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life, but I CAN’T STOP WATCHING. As much as it pains me to say it, I want to experience that cheesiness. I would embrace it for all it was worth. Velveeta me, Santa!